The Yoko Factor: Little Known 'Facts' About Yoko Ono

Thank God for Heather Mills! Perhaps I should rephrase that - Yoko Ono thanks God for Heather Mills because since her arrival on the world stage, those who once said "Oh no" to Yoko are now saying "Oh yes, she's the best." It seems that the world at large has re-evaluated this Japanese beauty and finally recognised her as the talented and cutting edge artist she is and always has been. OK, so maybe that is pushing it but her status as the most vilified woman in popular culture has been taken over by Heather "Publicity Stump" Mills and many now regard Yoko as, well, human. No longer do people feel the need to wash out their mouths with drain cleaner after uttering her name. No longer do people feel the need to re-enact Lemmings upon hearing a single note of Walking on Thin Ice. The turn-around has been quite extraordinary. Yoko is now able to walk the streets without having to worry about people yelling abuse at her, her car hasn't been stolen in over a year and amazingly, this last Christmas, she even received three Christmas cards. While this may not seem like much, for Yoko, it was, as she hadn't received anything wishing her warm wishes since John Lennon first inserted his walrus into her strawberry fields. Those three cards are now part of a conceptual art piece entitled Seasons of Greetings, Heather is a Cunt (Part III).

In honour of Yoko's ascension to purveyor of all things not Heather, I've compiled a small list of details about our beloved Yoko which I hope convey just a small sense of what Ms. Ono, the myth, the woman, the artist, is really about.

• Contrary to popular belief, Yoko did not break up the Beatles. However, she was responsible for the demise of Blue. Now you know why all those rumours of a comeback have never come to fruition
• Yoko believes everything is art - except anything Paul McCartney has done in the last 30 years. That includes Pegleg Mills.
• Yoko insisted upon referring to the remains of the World Trade Center as installation art.
• Yoko is the responsible for one of life's most puzzling questions: What came first - The egg or the Yoko?
• Yoko refers to John Lennon's son as an art project gone wrong. No wonder he had salt water in eyes.
• Yoko's first born Kyoko recently worked with Janet Jackson on her album Discipline. Yoko, it's me!
• Yoko influences include Russian avant-garde art of 1920s, Japanese conceptual poetry of the 1940s and the 2006 Lindsay Lohan comedy Just My Luck.

Happy Xmas Kyoko: I wonder what it is?

Lesson #1 - So Moist: Little Known 'Facts' About Janet Jackson

Janet’s moistness is legendary and anyone who has had an encounter with Miss Jackson has surely ended up in need of a towel. She’s made a career out of sharing every single aspect of her bodily secretions through song yet, despite her unnecessary candour, there are a number of things she has failed to share. So direct from Janet’s feedbag, here are a few secrets you may not know:

• Janet's next tour will be a series of lectures about the joys of having your period.
• For a bit of extra cash, Janet provides the moistness for KFC moist towelettes.
• By 2010, Janet's albums will only contain interludes.
• Janet was somewhat disappointed to discover that Wet'n'Wild was just a theme park containing water slides.
• During one of her fat periods, Janet was mistaken for a couch by her sister La Toya.
• For a bit fun, Janet likes to make her own home-made lube which she sells at craft markets.
• Janet is personally responsible for making millions of people never want to have sex again.
• Janet refers to her period as her J-Flow.
• Some of Janet's favourite words include damp, squirt, splash, drip, soak, spray, dribble, puddle, sweat, slobber, sprinkle, splatter and slop.

To wet your appetite further, visit Janet at her WEBSITE