The Yoko Factor: Little Known 'Facts' About Yoko Ono

Thank God for Heather Mills! Perhaps I should rephrase that - Yoko Ono thanks God for Heather Mills because since her arrival on the world stage, those who once said "Oh no" to Yoko are now saying "Oh yes, she's the best." It seems that the world at large has re-evaluated this Japanese beauty and finally recognised her as the talented and cutting edge artist she is and always has been. OK, so maybe that is pushing it but her status as the most vilified woman in popular culture has been taken over by Heather "Publicity Stump" Mills and many now regard Yoko as, well, human. No longer do people feel the need to wash out their mouths with drain cleaner after uttering her name. No longer do people feel the need to re-enact Lemmings upon hearing a single note of Walking on Thin Ice. The turn-around has been quite extraordinary. Yoko is now able to walk the streets without having to worry about people yelling abuse at her, her car hasn't been stolen in over a year and amazingly, this last Christmas, she even received three Christmas cards. While this may not seem like much, for Yoko, it was, as she hadn't received anything wishing her warm wishes since John Lennon first inserted his walrus into her strawberry fields. Those three cards are now part of a conceptual art piece entitled Seasons of Greetings, Heather is a Cunt (Part III).

In honour of Yoko's ascension to purveyor of all things not Heather, I've compiled a small list of details about our beloved Yoko which I hope convey just a small sense of what Ms. Ono, the myth, the woman, the artist, is really about.

• Contrary to popular belief, Yoko did not break up the Beatles. However, she was responsible for the demise of Blue. Now you know why all those rumours of a comeback have never come to fruition
• Yoko believes everything is art - except anything Paul McCartney has done in the last 30 years. That includes Pegleg Mills.
• Yoko insisted upon referring to the remains of the World Trade Center as installation art.
• Yoko is the responsible for one of life's most puzzling questions: What came first - The egg or the Yoko?
• Yoko refers to John Lennon's son as an art project gone wrong. No wonder he had salt water in eyes.
• Yoko's first born Kyoko recently worked with Janet Jackson on her album Discipline. Yoko, it's me!
• Yoko influences include Russian avant-garde art of 1920s, Japanese conceptual poetry of the 1940s and the 2006 Lindsay Lohan comedy Just My Luck.

Happy Xmas Kyoko: I wonder what it is?

History’s Greatest Monster: Diana Ross

Under that hair lay the hopes and dreams of millions of people.

Did you ever play Bloody Mary as a kid? You know that game, the one where you say her name five times into a bathroom mirror and then turn of the light. She is then supposed to appear behind you where she proceeds to slit your throat. It’s a fun game when you’re young but sadly, I’m here to report, she never actually appears. Sure, urban legends abound about supposed deaths at the hand of this woman but, like Dusty Springfield once said, nothing has been proved. Disappointed but still seeking a thrill, I recently decided to mix up the game a bit and replace Mary’s name with that of a few rotten hags from the celebrity world. I first tried Helen Hunt but upon turning off the light, all I was left with was a slight queasy feeling and a craving for seafood. I next turned to Sharon Osbourne but all that gave me was a lack of purpose and two unnecessary children. I thought about repeating the names of the Spice Girls but as their recent reunion proved – nothing good can come from them. After not having much success in conjuring any celebrity demons, it finally hit me who I should conjure up - The music world’s greatest ogre, the one woman who has caused more destruction than Hurricane Katrina, call her Miss Ross herself – Diana Ross. This woman has scared me since my youth. In fact, I used to lie awake at night afraid that she would burst into my room and swallow my soul or worse, sing the Theme From Mahogany . Her reign of terror has been with me forever and in hopes of breaking free from her powerful grip, I offer you a list of myths and legends that surround this unrelenting monster. Although like the legend of Bloody Mary, no proof of these has ever arisen, I hope by reading this list I bring light to a woman that has been haunting the world for far too long.

• Miss Ross and Godzilla have never been seen in the same room together. Make of that what you will.
• Miss Ross once had one of her children killed when they dared mention that she may need a haircut.
• Despite what she says, nobody loved her in The Wiz.
• Miss Ross allegedly thinks the Holocaust was funny. Other things that supposedly amuse her include September 11, cot death and global warming.
• Miss Ross campaigned to have hit and runs recognised as an Olympic sport. I bet Halle Berry wished her campaign had been successful.
• If you climbed to the top of her hair you’d reach heaven. However, I’m sure you would soon slide down to the flaming pits of hell so I wouldn’t recommend trying this one.
• Deeply hurt by The Automatic’s biographical song Monster, Miss Ross has avoided coming over hills ever since. Her tour of San Francisco proved quite troublesome.
• Up until 1987, Miss Ross was unaware that other people existed. Since her discovery, she has decided to remain oblivious to the entire human race. She actually still believes that she sings all of Endless Love. (That includes the Mariah Carey/Luther Vandross version).
• Miss Ross entitled her memoirs Secrets of a Sparrow only because publishers felt her original title, Secrets of Satan, was too controversial.
• The only two words that can make her cry; dream and girls. Otherwise, she has no use for human emotions.

Never has a smile seemed so difficult.

Lesson #7: Smoking Is Fun - Things Katherine Heigl Likes To Do

"No I am not hiding cigarettes under my hat"

(Photo: Vanity Fair)

Emmy winner Katherine Heigl is a star! For those who have yet to come to terms with this, then it is about time you did. The woman is a goddess. From bagging out her own movies to taking the art of smoking to new levels, she is every shade of amazing. You really have to admire someone who has had to work with Steven Seagal , Gérard Depardieu and Ellen Pompeo and not only didn’t slit her throat, she went on to win an Emmy and become the next star of the American rom-com. And let us not forget that she also stars in the life affirming Grey’s Anatomy, the greatest show ever been made.

Emmy winner Katherine Heigl, I love you and it is time to make a confession. I’ve been stalking you and recording your every move. Remember those strange noises you thought you heard coming from inside your wardrobe the other night. It was me, pad and pencil in hand, recording the number of times you woke up to have a sneaky cigarette and re-watch your Emmy speech as Josh slept silently beside you. But I don’t want you to be afraid, for I mean you no harm. I simply find everything you do absolutely fascinating. When I’m done I’m going to compile my studies into a book I plan to call The Heigl Bible: Lessons Learnt by Stalking Emmy Winner Katherine Heigl. It will be fabulous! Until then Ms. Heigl, I hope you don’t mind, I’m going to share some of my findings. But never fear, I left out that one thing (KH, you know what I’m talking about).

• Katherine likes to piff cigarette butts at people who mispronounce her last name. It’s pronounced High-gull bitches.
• She likes to chain smoke while watching her husband perform everyday tasks. Nothing gets her going more than watching him change a flat tire.
• She loves to attend weddings and have drunken sex with tubby men (27 Dresses and Knocked Up were documentaries, right?). Of course, she smokes during both events.
• In an effort to avoid Ellen Pompeo while on the set of Grey's Anatomy, she has be known to impersonate a corpse.
• Katherine is in talks to remake her favourite film, 200 Cigarettes.
• She really likes to win emmys and pity those who do not have one.
• When asked by a security guard to put out her cigarette during an awards ceremony she huffed and she puffed and threatened to blow his house down.
• She enjoys physically threatening her BFF T.R Knight’s boyfriends. You can take the girl out of the trailer park…
• For Christmas, she likes to hand out cigarettes and lighters to children in need. And to think we make a big deal about that Geldof freak.

Do you get the feeling she likes smoking?

View Katherine Heigl smoking

View Katherine Heigl smoking

Lesson #5 - V For Vile: The Keira Knightley List

Hollywood’s most prominent stick insect has the power to make even the most resilient person physically ill. One look at those dead eyes, bony body and awkward head and the possibility of hurling your entire collection of internal organs is high. What appeal this ‘woman’ has is completely lost on me and I find it difficult to understand why she continues to be cast in anything but cement. The only time I’ve been able to handle her is in Bend it like Beckham where she at least resembled a human being if not quite convinced that she was one. Watching her in anything since has left me with the strong desire to snap her neck.

Keira seems to have also found a second career bitching about how hard it is to be Keira and how everything known to man pisses her off. Keira my love, just because you’re outspoken doesn’t mean anybody cares what you say. Quit spraying your nectar, go build a cocoon and morph into something that doesn’t make people want to do Pilates on a cheese grater.

My therapist says my Keira hatred is having a detrimental effect on my health but I disagree. I find it quite therapeutic as it allows me to ignore the real issues in my life and lets me continue to live a fruitless but otherwise pleasant existence. So I hope you’ll forgive my self-indulgence, as in attempt to further my mental health, I offer an alternative list of details about cinemas #1 bobble-head:

• If murder was legalised, 7/10 people confessed that they would kill her without hesitation. The remaining percentage said they’d do it whether it was legal or not.
• Watching a Keira Knightley film increases your chances of getting cancer. Those that don’t contract the disease often wish they did, especially if it means never having to watch another one of her films.
• She was once so strapped for cash that she couldn’t afford to buy her boyfriend a birthday present so she gave him herpes instead.
• Keira is most popular among paedophiles because her body resembles that of a young boy.
• Keira changed her middle name to Karen so her initials could be K.K.K (Her actual middle name is Catherine so a simple change of letters would do the job).
• Keira discovered the cure for Aids but decided not to share it.
• During a party at Judi Dench’s house, Keira proceed to drag her arse along the carpet while taking a dump. Dame Judy is still trying to remove the stain.
• Keira’s Indian name is blowswithouthesitation
• When choosing a wife, Paul McCartney chose Heather Mills over Keira Knightley because she was the less c**ty of the two.

Lesson #4 - My Sugar Is Raw: Confessions Of Madonna's Cooch

WARNING: LISTENING MAY CAUSE DIABETES

Where does one start when it comes to Lady Ciccone? She and her music have been a part of our lives forever and in a life lived openly, I bet you are asking yourself: what can you possibly tell me about her that I don’t already know? Well I’m here to tell you there is much to be told. We’re all familiar with Madonna’s cooch (she’s been flashing it for years) but just how important her cooch has been to her career has, until now, remained a highly guarded secret. But for anyone who has seen the cover of Lady M’s new album Hard Candy will know, the cooch is finally taking a more visible role in her career. In fact, I hear that Madonna may soon bow out of the music business altogether, leaving the door open for her cooch to take over full time. In honour of her cooch’s elevation into the spotlight, I present a selection of little know facts our favourite lady’s hole.

• Instead of her old nickname Madge, her cooch insists upon calling her Vadge.
• An abandoned collaboration between Madonna's cooch and Tina Turner was entitled Turner and Cooch.
• Madonna's cooch conducts enough electricity to power a fan heater for a week.
• Her cooch once slapped Jane Fonda during a performance of The Vagina Monologues.
• While Madonna is busy trying to save the world with Justin Timberlake, her cooch is busy raising a pod of blue whales.
• When her cooch contracted a yeast infection it decided to turn a negative into a positive and open a brewery.
• On Thursdays, Madonna conducts an exercise class. (This might explain the tension between her and Jane Fonda).
• Her cooch's Kabbalah name is Fester.
• This list was just an excuse to repeatedly use the word cooch.

For more choochy goodness visit:

Official Site

fizzypop album review

Adem with an E's album review

Lesson #3 - Things Robyn Is Doing Right Now

I love Robyn. I really do. She’s like the Gumby of pop music, able to move through different worlds with her trusty orange horse while avoiding the evil grasp of box headed men. Ok, so maybe she’s nothing like Gumby (Although the clip for With Every Heartbeat does look a lot like the show) but I like the idea. I often think about what Robyn is doing at random moments and recently I have actually been having visions, giving me a tiny glimpse into her life. I liken my psychic ability to those of John Edward and Allison Dubois except unlike their abilities, mine are real and at the very least, able to genuinely help people. My powers are still in their infancy so my findings are often brief but I am able to share with you, at this very exact moment, what Robyn is doing right now:

• Being Swedish
• Despite knowing better, she's wasting her time on a bum like you.
• Knitting you mittens and making you pie. Or making you mittens and knitting you pie (My vision was a bit foggy).
• Pressing trigger not pressing people button.
• Annoyed that Posh Spice stole her hairstyle glory. Why isn't it called the Robyn Bob?
• In denial about her role in The Lord Of The Rings.
• Working out how much more mileage she can get from her last album.
• Curled up in a basket, cleaning her paws and playing with a ball of wool.

• Sitting in the backseat of her car waiting to jack you off. What are you waiting for?

BZZZ! Is it a bee? no, it's just Robyn

Official Site

Lesson #2 - Velociraptor: Little Known 'Facts' About Alison Goldfrapp

Everyone’s favourite singing dinosaur has given us many great performances, often defying doctor’s orders to do so. She has overcome many obstacles in her long life to release four outstanding and diverse albums yet, she still remains somewhat of an enigma. To dispel some of the myths and shed a light on the secret life of our favourite cave girl, I, in conjunction with a leading palaeontologist, present this list of little known 'facts' about Allison Goldfrapp BC:

• Despite Singing about riding a white horse, Ms. Goldfrapp rarely rides horses because they hate her.
• Ms. Goldfrapp was unhappy with her portrayal in Jurassic Park.
• Is she were not a singer, Ms. Goldfrapp would like to have been a pirate, a hooker or a pirate hooker.
• Ms. Goldfrapp once slapped a fan who said they loved her in the movie Cocoon.
• Ms. Goldfrapp only eats regurgitated food. This is a service fellow Goldfrappian Will Gregory provides.
• Ms. Goldfrapp does not find the name Oldfrapp very funny. In fact, the last time she did laugh at something she became quite alarmed and had to lie down.
• If she did in fact have a Winnebago, Ms. Goldfrapp would drive around hitting ugly children.
• The most common thing overheard backstage at a Goldfrapp gig: Ms. Goldfrapp, have you taken your pills? (An obvious joke I know but give me credit for not mentioning anything about Depend Undergarments).
• Fuck she's old!

Alison in Jurassic Park: A fairly accurate and flattering portrayal I thought.

Official Site

Lesson #1 - So Moist: Little Known 'Facts' About Janet Jackson

Janet’s moistness is legendary and anyone who has had an encounter with Miss Jackson has surely ended up in need of a towel. She’s made a career out of sharing every single aspect of her bodily secretions through song yet, despite her unnecessary candour, there are a number of things she has failed to share. So direct from Janet’s feedbag, here are a few secrets you may not know:

• Janet's next tour will be a series of lectures about the joys of having your period.
• For a bit of extra cash, Janet provides the moistness for KFC moist towelettes.
• By 2010, Janet's albums will only contain interludes.
• Janet was somewhat disappointed to discover that Wet'n'Wild was just a theme park containing water slides.
• During one of her fat periods, Janet was mistaken for a couch by her sister La Toya.
• For a bit fun, Janet likes to make her own home-made lube which she sells at craft markets.
• Janet is personally responsible for making millions of people never want to have sex again.
• Janet refers to her period as her J-Flow.
• Some of Janet's favourite words include damp, squirt, splash, drip, soak, spray, dribble, puddle, sweat, slobber, sprinkle, splatter and slop.

To wet your appetite further, visit Janet at her WEBSITE