History’s Greatest Monster: Diana Ross

Under that hair lay the hopes and dreams of millions of people.

Did you ever play Bloody Mary as a kid? You know that game, the one where you say her name five times into a bathroom mirror and then turn of the light. She is then supposed to appear behind you where she proceeds to slit your throat. It’s a fun game when you’re young but sadly, I’m here to report, she never actually appears. Sure, urban legends abound about supposed deaths at the hand of this woman but, like Dusty Springfield once said, nothing has been proved. Disappointed but still seeking a thrill, I recently decided to mix up the game a bit and replace Mary’s name with that of a few rotten hags from the celebrity world. I first tried Helen Hunt but upon turning off the light, all I was left with was a slight queasy feeling and a craving for seafood. I next turned to Sharon Osbourne but all that gave me was a lack of purpose and two unnecessary children. I thought about repeating the names of the Spice Girls but as their recent reunion proved – nothing good can come from them. After not having much success in conjuring any celebrity demons, it finally hit me who I should conjure up - The music world’s greatest ogre, the one woman who has caused more destruction than Hurricane Katrina, call her Miss Ross herself – Diana Ross. This woman has scared me since my youth. In fact, I used to lie awake at night afraid that she would burst into my room and swallow my soul or worse, sing the Theme From Mahogany . Her reign of terror has been with me forever and in hopes of breaking free from her powerful grip, I offer you a list of myths and legends that surround this unrelenting monster. Although like the legend of Bloody Mary, no proof of these has ever arisen, I hope by reading this list I bring light to a woman that has been haunting the world for far too long.

• Miss Ross and Godzilla have never been seen in the same room together. Make of that what you will.
• Miss Ross once had one of her children killed when they dared mention that she may need a haircut.
• Despite what she says, nobody loved her in The Wiz.
• Miss Ross allegedly thinks the Holocaust was funny. Other things that supposedly amuse her include September 11, cot death and global warming.
• Miss Ross campaigned to have hit and runs recognised as an Olympic sport. I bet Halle Berry wished her campaign had been successful.
• If you climbed to the top of her hair you’d reach heaven. However, I’m sure you would soon slide down to the flaming pits of hell so I wouldn’t recommend trying this one.
• Deeply hurt by The Automatic’s biographical song Monster, Miss Ross has avoided coming over hills ever since. Her tour of San Francisco proved quite troublesome.
• Up until 1987, Miss Ross was unaware that other people existed. Since her discovery, she has decided to remain oblivious to the entire human race. She actually still believes that she sings all of Endless Love. (That includes the Mariah Carey/Luther Vandross version).
• Miss Ross entitled her memoirs Secrets of a Sparrow only because publishers felt her original title, Secrets of Satan, was too controversial.
• The only two words that can make her cry; dream and girls. Otherwise, she has no use for human emotions.

Never has a smile seemed so difficult.