What, No Javine! Eurovision 2008

It’s been almost a week since the delight that was Eurovision and I think enough time has passed for me to have taken it all in and make comment on the festivities of 2008. I don’t know about you but when it all comes to an end I’m left feeling quite depressed. All the build-up, all the excitement then poof, like Javine’s career, it’s all over. With this in mind, I have decided that New Year’s Eve is no longer sufficent for marking the passing of another year and in its place we should use the Eurovision song contest as our signifier that another 12 months have gone by. Just a suggestion. Anyhow, I want to offer you my thoughts about this year’s event that you may or may not find interesting (probably more of the latter). I’m also using this opportunity to make as many references to Javine as possible. Here, in order of performance, is my rundown of the countries that competed in EV 2008:

Romania: Nico & Vlad - Pe-o Margine de Lume (On the Edge of the World)
If this is a love song (I guess) then why does it feel so painful? And why are they singing off key? Whose idea was it to open with this? This song left me questioning the world and my very place in it. I don’t like to dig deep within myself so for next year Romania please give me what I want: a fun 3 minute pop song that doesn’t make me have an existential crisis. I hate this song!

UK: Andy Abraham – Even If
Why does the country that gives us so much great music every other day of the year insist upon picking Eurovision as the day to highlight their very worst? Rumour has it that Andy Abraham is just Javine with a shaved head and better teeth (That’s Javine reference #3 if you don't count the heading). Terry Wogan may think it’s the “best entry in years” and he may be right but, best entry or not, it’s still pretty pathetic.

Albania: Olta Boka – Zemren E Lame Peng (We Put Our Hearts at Stake)
They may have put their hearts at stake but this song left me wanting to put a stake through my heart. Due to a lack of stakes, I just ended up jabbing myself repeatedly with a fork in hopes of elevating the pain that was this song. It did the trick but only just.

Germany: No Angels - Disappear
The song title says it all really but you’d be hard pressed to find anywhere to stash these broads. And even though they like to think of themselves as women, I disagree for I have it on good authority (So not Javine then obviously – no #4 folks) that at least two of them were not born that way. But Eurovision loves that shit so nobody really cares. Crap song!

Armenia: Sirusho – Qele Qele (Come On, Come On)
I liked this song at first but upon subsequent listens I’ve become less impressed. The opening of the song reminded me of Vanessa Amorosi's Absolutely Everybody but thankfully it quickly moved away from anything sounding like that dirty truck driver. Still, not that bad.

Bosnia: Laka – Pokusaj (Try)
Finally, a great song with a performance to match. I found this song to be a biting comment on the institution of marriage (that explains the brides) and its consequences (and that therefore explains the hanging up of washing on the line). Perfection!

Israel: Boaz – Ke'ilu Kan (The Fire in Your Eyes)
Being a real life Jew I am a tad biased but I did love this and predict it will be popular at Bar Mitzvah's for years to come. I especially liked when the other guys joined the singer in what looked to be an all male, all Jewish version of West Side Story. Nice touch guys! Shalom.

Finland: Terasbetoni – Missa miehet ratsastaa (Where Men Ride)
No thanks!

Croatia: Kraljevi Ulice & 75 Cents - Romanca (Romance)
If you liked this then I hope you made the most of it because looking at the majority of people in this act, they won’t be around for long. For awhile I thought the old rapper was Kylie Minogue but I have since been told it wasn’t. Sure did look like her though. On the whole, pretty boring.

Poland: Isis Gee – For Life
I liked her teeth. Must have cost a pretty złoty (That’s Polish currency for those who don’t know. Thanks Google).

Iceland: Euroband – This Is My Life
A man who was G.A.Y in every sense of the word and loving it. His chubby female friend was only slightly less G.A.Y but loving it all the same. In conclusion - Euroband = G.A.Y & F.U.N.

Turkey: Mor Ve Otesi - Deli (Insane)
If I was a parent I would not let my children anywhere near this band for I think they are actually real-life Satanists (along with Javine) who seem to be, correct me if I’m wrong, promoting the benefits of mental illness. Sick fuckers!

Portugal: Vania Fernandes – Senhora do Mar (Negras Aguas) - Lady of the Sea
A little known fact my friends is that the lady of the sea only ventures onto land to feed. And by the looks of this ocean mistress, she’s been spending quite a bit of time on terra firma of late. I’d throw her back into the ocean myself for this was surely the most boring song of the night.

Latvia: Pirates Of The Sea – Wolves Of The Sea
Another sea themed song but this time without a singing whale. This performance was everything the last two Pirates of the Caribbean movies should have been: Fun, spirited and minus Keira Knightley. Loved it!

Sweden: Charlotte Perrelli - Hero
She’s not Robyn but great all the same. This performance incorporated the best matching outfit/microphone combination I’ve seen since Barbra Streisand last appeared on Oprah. Although, like the “girls” from Germany, I question just how much of her is really female, I did find her to be quite the natural beauty. Meow! Song fucking rocks.

Denmark: Simon Mathew – All Night Long
The worst chorus since Mel B’s Today. Bland, pointless but ultimately harmless (Javine anyone). I did like him and his hat though.

Georgia: Diana Gurtskaya – Peace Will Come
I must admit that I did not realise that there was a country named Georgia. The only Georgia's I knew about was the one in America and the one Jane Fonda played in that wonderful Lindsay Lohan movie Georgia Rule. What a romp that was. Anyhow, because the singer was blind I will tread very carefully and avoid any cheap blind person jokes except this one: Her performance, like herself, lacked focus! “Her glasses, she still can’t see without her glasses.”

Ukraine: Ani Lorak – Shady Lady
Now this is how it’s done. I do believe that the shady lady they sing of is a distant cousin to that dark lady Cher sang about many years ago who lit the candles one by one. Ms. Lorak looked like Catherine Zeta Jones (and therefore Ruslana) but unlike Mrs. Michael Douglas, this lady was obviously under fifty. Great staging and a great song. My favourite of the night.

France: Sebastien Tellier - Divine
So arty. And like most art, I may not get it but I sure do like it. Fin.

Azebaijan: Elnur & Samir – Day After Day
I will not comment on a country that doesn’t exist!

Greece: Kalomira – Secret Combination
This girl is asking for it. Secret combination, what the fuck is that all about. What is so secret about a combination that she has written on toilet walls all over the world? I suspect you don’t even need a “secret combination” to get into this girl. She’s like a casino: open all hours (although unlike a casino, there is no age limit for those wishing to enter – unless you’re Javine – hope you’re keeping count). Some come inside and enjoy this slightly entertaining show.

Spain: Rodolfo Chikilicuatre – Baila el Chiki Chiki (Dance The Chiki Chiki)
I was especially taken by the pink dancer who was “acting” drunk. She reminded me much of myself most nights: too many drinks and unsure of where I am. I like that and I liked this song.

Serbia: Jelena and Bora – Ora (Hora)
I take it Jelena was the one singing but who is Bora? Too lazy to show up obviously (put your hand down Javine). Good voice, started of well but it lost me by the end.

Russia: Dima Bilan – Believe
They won so why bother commenting on this shit song.

Norway: Maria Haukass Storeng– Hold On Be Strong
A lovely song with a singer that somewhat reminded me of Kim Wilde (if she if she’d only come in from the garden). I liked this song a lot. I could make out to this song if only I had someone to make out with. (Insert awkward silence). No takers – didn’t think so. Ok then, as we are at the end of this round-up and discussing Norway, I’m going to leave you with an exert from a book I remember as a kid that had a Norwegian theme. Enjoy.

“The cat from Norway got stuck in the doorway.
But my cat likes to hide in boxes.”

Boxes indeed! And one more for the road: Javine!

(Apologies if I got a bit lost in translation but, as is quite obvious, I have enough trouble with English let alone attempting to make sense of over 20 other languages)

Here is Luminita Anghel with Let Me Try. This 2005 Eurovision entry is perhaps the greatest song to ever be entered into the competition. It also doubles as an unoffical theme song to Titanic. If I had my own country this would be the national anthem. I hope you love it as much as I do.