Lesson #6: Celebrity Inventors

"Who the f**k is this God fellow"

It is widely believed that God is the ultimate creator of all things but I think he has gotten too much credit in the past and it is about time we gave some recognition to some of the unsung heroes from the world of celebrity. These honourable individuals painstakingly toiled away in their tool sheds in the hopes of bettering our everyday lives and the world in which we know. In honour of the ultimate inventor Janice Dickinson, who not only coined the phrase supermodel but invented modelling itself, I offer the first instalment of celebrity inventors who can now rest easy that they are finally getting their dues.

Mariah Carey invented crazy.
Katherine Heigl invented smoking.
Barbara Streisand invented Jews.
Kate Bush invented the bong.
Tina Turner invented domestic violence. Young diva Paulini was so inspired she invented the black eye.
Dannii Minogue has invented many things. Her sister Kylie – nothing!
Betty White invented television.
Yoko Ono invented art.
Rhianna invented the forehead.
Alec Baldwin invented chest hair although Alicia Keys gave him a run for his money.
Olivia Newton-John invented Chloe Lattanzi . We all make mistakes.
Fergie invented urine.
Cheryl Tweedy invented winking and bathroom brawls.
Tori Amos invented rape.
Lance Armstrong invented cancer. Sheryl Crow found out the hard way.
Nicole Kidman invented botox and the pretend pregnancy.
Mika has yet to invent anything so perhaps he should stop acting like such a twat.
Deborah Harry invented pop music.
Alison Goldfrapp invented the wheel chair - Out of necessity.
Roisin Murphy invented the hat. She then decided it was also a mask. Clever lady!

A mother and her mistake: Chloe Lattanzi and Olivia Newton-John

Lesson #5 - V For Vile: The Keira Knightley List

Hollywood’s most prominent stick insect has the power to make even the most resilient person physically ill. One look at those dead eyes, bony body and awkward head and the possibility of hurling your entire collection of internal organs is high. What appeal this ‘woman’ has is completely lost on me and I find it difficult to understand why she continues to be cast in anything but cement. The only time I’ve been able to handle her is in Bend it like Beckham where she at least resembled a human being if not quite convinced that she was one. Watching her in anything since has left me with the strong desire to snap her neck.

Keira seems to have also found a second career bitching about how hard it is to be Keira and how everything known to man pisses her off. Keira my love, just because you’re outspoken doesn’t mean anybody cares what you say. Quit spraying your nectar, go build a cocoon and morph into something that doesn’t make people want to do Pilates on a cheese grater.

My therapist says my Keira hatred is having a detrimental effect on my health but I disagree. I find it quite therapeutic as it allows me to ignore the real issues in my life and lets me continue to live a fruitless but otherwise pleasant existence. So I hope you’ll forgive my self-indulgence, as in attempt to further my mental health, I offer an alternative list of details about cinemas #1 bobble-head:

• If murder was legalised, 7/10 people confessed that they would kill her without hesitation. The remaining percentage said they’d do it whether it was legal or not.
• Watching a Keira Knightley film increases your chances of getting cancer. Those that don’t contract the disease often wish they did, especially if it means never having to watch another one of her films.
• She was once so strapped for cash that she couldn’t afford to buy her boyfriend a birthday present so she gave him herpes instead.
• Keira is most popular among paedophiles because her body resembles that of a young boy.
• Keira changed her middle name to Karen so her initials could be K.K.K (Her actual middle name is Catherine so a simple change of letters would do the job).
• Keira discovered the cure for Aids but decided not to share it.
• During a party at Judi Dench’s house, Keira proceed to drag her arse along the carpet while taking a dump. Dame Judy is still trying to remove the stain.
• Keira’s Indian name is blowswithouthesitation
• When choosing a wife, Paul McCartney chose Heather Mills over Keira Knightley because she was the less c**ty of the two.

Lesson #4 - My Sugar Is Raw: Confessions Of Madonna's Cooch

WARNING: LISTENING MAY CAUSE DIABETES

Where does one start when it comes to Lady Ciccone? She and her music have been a part of our lives forever and in a life lived openly, I bet you are asking yourself: what can you possibly tell me about her that I don’t already know? Well I’m here to tell you there is much to be told. We’re all familiar with Madonna’s cooch (she’s been flashing it for years) but just how important her cooch has been to her career has, until now, remained a highly guarded secret. But for anyone who has seen the cover of Lady M’s new album Hard Candy will know, the cooch is finally taking a more visible role in her career. In fact, I hear that Madonna may soon bow out of the music business altogether, leaving the door open for her cooch to take over full time. In honour of her cooch’s elevation into the spotlight, I present a selection of little know facts our favourite lady’s hole.

• Instead of her old nickname Madge, her cooch insists upon calling her Vadge.
• An abandoned collaboration between Madonna's cooch and Tina Turner was entitled Turner and Cooch.
• Madonna's cooch conducts enough electricity to power a fan heater for a week.
• Her cooch once slapped Jane Fonda during a performance of The Vagina Monologues.
• While Madonna is busy trying to save the world with Justin Timberlake, her cooch is busy raising a pod of blue whales.
• When her cooch contracted a yeast infection it decided to turn a negative into a positive and open a brewery.
• On Thursdays, Madonna conducts an exercise class. (This might explain the tension between her and Jane Fonda).
• Her cooch's Kabbalah name is Fester.
• This list was just an excuse to repeatedly use the word cooch.

For more choochy goodness visit:

Official Site

fizzypop album review

Adem with an E's album review

Lesson #3 - Things Robyn Is Doing Right Now

I love Robyn. I really do. She’s like the Gumby of pop music, able to move through different worlds with her trusty orange horse while avoiding the evil grasp of box headed men. Ok, so maybe she’s nothing like Gumby (Although the clip for With Every Heartbeat does look a lot like the show) but I like the idea. I often think about what Robyn is doing at random moments and recently I have actually been having visions, giving me a tiny glimpse into her life. I liken my psychic ability to those of John Edward and Allison Dubois except unlike their abilities, mine are real and at the very least, able to genuinely help people. My powers are still in their infancy so my findings are often brief but I am able to share with you, at this very exact moment, what Robyn is doing right now:

• Being Swedish
• Despite knowing better, she's wasting her time on a bum like you.
• Knitting you mittens and making you pie. Or making you mittens and knitting you pie (My vision was a bit foggy).
• Pressing trigger not pressing people button.
• Annoyed that Posh Spice stole her hairstyle glory. Why isn't it called the Robyn Bob?
• In denial about her role in The Lord Of The Rings.
• Working out how much more mileage she can get from her last album.
• Curled up in a basket, cleaning her paws and playing with a ball of wool.

• Sitting in the backseat of her car waiting to jack you off. What are you waiting for?

BZZZ! Is it a bee? no, it's just Robyn

Official Site

Short Lesson: Sissy Spacek

Sorry, my mistake.

Lesson #2 - Velociraptor: Little Known 'Facts' About Alison Goldfrapp

Everyone’s favourite singing dinosaur has given us many great performances, often defying doctor’s orders to do so. She has overcome many obstacles in her long life to release four outstanding and diverse albums yet, she still remains somewhat of an enigma. To dispel some of the myths and shed a light on the secret life of our favourite cave girl, I, in conjunction with a leading palaeontologist, present this list of little known 'facts' about Allison Goldfrapp BC:

• Despite Singing about riding a white horse, Ms. Goldfrapp rarely rides horses because they hate her.
• Ms. Goldfrapp was unhappy with her portrayal in Jurassic Park.
• Is she were not a singer, Ms. Goldfrapp would like to have been a pirate, a hooker or a pirate hooker.
• Ms. Goldfrapp once slapped a fan who said they loved her in the movie Cocoon.
• Ms. Goldfrapp only eats regurgitated food. This is a service fellow Goldfrappian Will Gregory provides.
• Ms. Goldfrapp does not find the name Oldfrapp very funny. In fact, the last time she did laugh at something she became quite alarmed and had to lie down.
• If she did in fact have a Winnebago, Ms. Goldfrapp would drive around hitting ugly children.
• The most common thing overheard backstage at a Goldfrapp gig: Ms. Goldfrapp, have you taken your pills? (An obvious joke I know but give me credit for not mentioning anything about Depend Undergarments).
• Fuck she's old!

Alison in Jurassic Park: A fairly accurate and flattering portrayal I thought.

Official Site

Lesson #1 - So Moist: Little Known 'Facts' About Janet Jackson

Janet’s moistness is legendary and anyone who has had an encounter with Miss Jackson has surely ended up in need of a towel. She’s made a career out of sharing every single aspect of her bodily secretions through song yet, despite her unnecessary candour, there are a number of things she has failed to share. So direct from Janet’s feedbag, here are a few secrets you may not know:

• Janet's next tour will be a series of lectures about the joys of having your period.
• For a bit of extra cash, Janet provides the moistness for KFC moist towelettes.
• By 2010, Janet's albums will only contain interludes.
• Janet was somewhat disappointed to discover that Wet'n'Wild was just a theme park containing water slides.
• During one of her fat periods, Janet was mistaken for a couch by her sister La Toya.
• For a bit fun, Janet likes to make her own home-made lube which she sells at craft markets.
• Janet is personally responsible for making millions of people never want to have sex again.
• Janet refers to her period as her J-Flow.
• Some of Janet's favourite words include damp, squirt, splash, drip, soak, spray, dribble, puddle, sweat, slobber, sprinkle, splatter and slop.

To wet your appetite further, visit Janet at her WEBSITE