Hollywood’s most prominent stick insect has the power to make even the most resilient person physically ill. One look at those dead eyes, bony body and awkward head and the possibility of hurling your entire collection of internal organs is high. What appeal this ‘woman’ has is completely lost on me and I find it difficult to understand why she continues to be cast in anything but cement. The only time I’ve been able to handle her is in Bend it like Beckham where she at least resembled a human being if not quite convinced that she was one. Watching her in anything since has left me with the strong desire to snap her neck.
Keira seems to have also found a second career bitching about how hard it is to be Keira and how everything known to man pisses her off. Keira my love, just because you’re outspoken doesn’t mean anybody cares what you say. Quit spraying your nectar, go build a cocoon and morph into something that doesn’t make people want to do Pilates on a cheese grater.
My therapist says my Keira hatred is having a detrimental effect on my health but I disagree. I find it quite therapeutic as it allows me to ignore the real issues in my life and lets me continue to live a fruitless but otherwise pleasant existence. So I hope you’ll forgive my self-indulgence, as in attempt to further my mental health, I offer an alternative list of details about cinemas #1 bobble-head:
- If murder was legalised, 7/10 people confessed that they would kill her without hesitation. The remaining percentage said they’d do it whether it was legal or not.
- Watching a Keira Knightley film increases your chances of getting cancer. Those that don’t contract the disease often wish they did, especially if it means never having to watch another one of her films.
- She was once so strapped for cash that she couldn’t afford to buy her boyfriend a birthday present so she gave him herpes instead.
- Keira is most popular among paedophiles because her body resembles that of a young boy.
- Keira changed her middle name to Karen so her initials could be K.K.K (Her actual middle name is Catherine so a simple change of letters would do the job).
- Keira discovered the cure for Aids but decided not to share it.
- During a party at Judi Dench’s house, Keira proceed to drag her arse along the carpet while taking a dump. Dame Judy is still trying to remove the stain.
- Keira’s Indian name is blowswithouthesitation
- When choosing a wife, Paul McCartney chose Heather Mills over Keira Knightley because she was the less c**ty of the two.
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